i remember our youth

alkoholromantisk mongorealisme

2012-01-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

"I hans kanskje mest kjende roman Sveve over vatna (1982) er handlinga lagd til Bergen og universitetet. Her skriv Hovland om ungdommens lengsel og brunst, puling, uløyseleg kjærleikssorg, festar på dei gråaste hyblane i byen, langpils, politiske kranglar, fyll, tungsinn, ablegøyer og bakrus. Hovudpersonen slentrar tafatt inn i dei mest absurde og underhaldande bakevjer. Studielivet går langt frå på skjener, og sommarjobben på Hansa Bryggerier endar ikkje som det burde."

-- Det eg sakna mest ved den gamle hybelen min, var takvindauget. Der eg budde no var det umogleg å kome ut på taket. Eg ser ikkje bort frå at ting kunne ha blitt annleis dersom eg hadde kome meg ut på taket av og til denne hausten.

Our good fortune allows us to feel a sadness our parents didn’t have time for.

2011-10-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

oh god i am the american dream

2011-09-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

true love will find you in the end

2011-08-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

until it does one must enjoy every little prospect of life, friends, literature, coffee, knowledge, stupidity, walks through an unknown city. breakfast, dinner, midnight snacks. sleeping in a bed with a warm guy, listening to new records on the bus, staying up late. alcohol. showers. sleep.

crisp and clean, no caffeine

2011-04-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

det er noko med den kjensla ein får av å høyre på morissey medan ein sit på bussen og byen susar forbi. kjensla av å tenkje på den finaste guten ein veit, eller då ein innser at ein ikkje har aning på kva som kjem til å skje neste år, eller i morgon for den del. mor sin ripsbærgelé på nybakt brød, å forstå kor inderleg glad ein er i sin beste ven, nye vener som stadig blir betre. kjensla av å reise til nye, framande byar og kjenne at det går bra, ein klarar seg fint, at alt er skummelt, men likevel ikkje. den magevrengande, blodbrusande kjensla som kjem ut av ingenting og plutseleg tek over. å kjenne at ein skulle ynskje at ein kunne vere i denne tida av livet i veldig lang tid framover, men samtidig vite at denne kjensla alltid vil vere i deg, og aldri bli gløymt.

tillsammans

2011-04-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

i morgon skal eg sjå denne filmen heime i bygda der eg vaks opp, nede i kjellaren på det lille svarte fjernsynet frå 90-tallet som enno kan spele av vhs-filmar. etterpå skal eg høyre på come give me love med ted gärdestad ekstra mange gongar, fordi den er ein av dei aller finaste songane i verda, til tross for at alle mine vener meinar den er svenskane sitt svar på aldri i livet med finn kalvik.

samordna opptak

2011-03-16T11:51:00.001-07:00

og kjensla av å vere liten men samtidig vaksen, tom men samtidig full. apatisk, men draumande. sliten, men samtidig på grensa til å sprekke av utforskarlyst.

the only living boy in new york

2011-02-21T10:08:00.001-08:00

youth(2)

2011-01-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

skoa var gjennomvåte. ølen hadde blitt forvandla til vatn. det pøsregna. vi stod der med gåsehud langt opp i dei indre organane våre. til tross for at eg allereie hadde fått unna fem halvlitarar, kjende eg grøssa like sterkt. ikkje fordi det var kaldt. ikkje fordi det var vått. på grunn av generasjonen vi var tvungne til å være ein del av. i det som verka som ein evighet skulle vi bli stempla i samme bås som våre jamaldringar. dette var dag éin. augene deira var blodraude. spriten bobla i blodet. endeleg skulle liva deira byrje.

i det vi vandra ut av folkemassen såg eg ansikta til dei eg ein gong hadde kjent. eg såg barndommen deira, slik eg hugsa dei. minna eg delte med dei, som dei hadde gløymt. sjelen som sakte hadde forsvunne, livet som ikkje eksisterte i dei lengre. i løpet av få sekund hadde regnet trengt seg gjennom paraplyen, den hadde ikkje lengre nokon reell funksjon. eg stirra opp og såg dråpane sakte absorbere gjennom det tynne stoffet, og dryppe ned i ansiktet ditt. snart skulle livet byrje.

2011-01-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

i guess i’m too scandinavian

2010-11-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

å sjå oktober bli til november, den første snøven som dekkar til alt som hausten har vore. plutselig er den borte, alt har endra seg i løpet av ei enkelt novembernatt. du har flytta heimaifrå og ser for første gong den nye staden dekka av det kvite novemberteppet. som om alt har blitt viska bort og ein får byrje på nytt, ein gong til. då er det fint å verkeleg puste inn og kjenne at ein ikkje treng det. ein har det bra, den nye starten blir berre eit nytt påfyll, enda eit nytt friskt pust, i den nye, gode kvardagen. endringane har blitt meir diffuse, ein kjenner ikkje lengre den bitande kulda like godt. andre ting står i fokus, no er det kun snakk om endring av utsikt, ei forandring i kva ein våknar opp til kvar morgon. det er vanskelig å definere lykke, men dette kan umogleg vere langt i frå.

remember me as a time of day

2010-11-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

kanskje skulle eg studere i bergen, eller ålesund, kanskje skulle eg bli sjukepleiar eller lærar, kanskje skulle eg få to eller tre ungar og flytte heim og få jobb. kanskje skulle eg berre gi faen i dei og endelig kome meg vekk, aldri kome tilbake. kanskje skulle eg fare ut i verdi og finne sannheit, ringe heim og fortelle om det, forklare dei kven eg egentlig var. kanskje skulle eg berre snu meg, gløyme dei og oppleve livet på eiga hand.

turns out i was a vampire myself

2010-08-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

I was living in a devil town
Didn't know it was a devil town
Oh Lord, it really brings me down
About the devil town

And all my friends were vampires
Didn't know they were vampires
Turns out I was a vampire myself
In the devil town

last days of summer

2010-08-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

every day tastes like a cigarette that burns out too fast. shure you go out, try to feel alright, but you know that it just wont last.

Joni Mitchell is God

2010-08-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

Joni Mitchell, 1968. Ladies of the Canyon, 1970. Blue, 1971.

everything will be okay

2010-07-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

People often talk about being scared of change, but for me I'm more afraid of things staying the same. angst for å fare, angst for å bli. angst for å ha angst. det er på tide å kome seg vekk.

There are places I remember

2010-07-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

Spending the last few months, weeks and days in the town you grew up in, trying to cherish it, trying to enjoy the most of it. Like there's a weird hunch in the back of your mind that life will never be as simple as it is now, it will never be as easy. Walking home in the middle of the night, to suddenly stop and sit down, as if to take a last look at the place where you've always felt home.

we're chained

2010-07-06T13:38:00.001-07:00

to our families, hometowns, cars, pets, cigarettes and dreams.

Just for now I let the spring and storm return

2010-06-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

But I plan to be forgotten when I'm gone. Yes, I'll be leaving in the fall.

The Gash

2010-06-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I was walking home late at night, while listening to The Soft Bulletin on my discman. I had to stop several times just to look at the scenery, while trying to tell myself to remember how good it feels to literally see the meaning of a song right in front of you.

dei fire store

2010-05-17T15:47:00.001-07:00

We agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like. books, records, films -- these things matter.

2010-04-15T13:18:00.001-07:00

your life changes everytime you hear a new record that you love. i've realized that a big part of my identity and my sence of happiness is based on the books that i read, the music i listen to and the movies i love. i'm glad that i can spend an entire day alone with only a single record or a book to accompany me. it seems like my life will always be meaningful because of it.

listen to the brian jonestown massacre

2010-03-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Early in the morning
I went out walking in the rain
Hoping it would cleanse me
Of this deep and awful pain
I'm feeling
Free and easy
Feeling free and easy while i can
Cause i've got no expectations
Of loving anyone again

kvardag

2010-02-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

Dei store stormane
har du attum deg.
Då spurde du ikkje
kvi du var til,
kvar du kom ifrå eller kvar du gjekk,
du berre var i stormen,
var i elden.
Men det gjeng an å leva
i kvardagen òg,
den grå stille dagen,
setja potetor, raka lauv
og bera ris,
det er so mangt å tenkja på her i verdi,
eit manneliv strekk ikkje til.
Etter strævet kan du steikja flesk
og lesa kinesiske vers.
Gamle Laertes skar klunger
og grov um fikentrei,
og let heltane slåst ved Troja.

Olav H. Hauge

2010-01-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

these days

2010-01-23T20:02:00.000-08:00

I've stopped my dreaming
I don't do too much scheming these days
These days
These days
I sit in cornerstones and count the time in quarter tones to ten
Please don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

wednesday morning, 3 a.m.

2010-01-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

good days lately. i quit my job, and it feels really good. it lookes like this is going to be one of the best winter seasons in a long time. i enjoy my days. walking amongst the winter scenery, in the cold, in the dark. on my way to a friends house, where we drink wine and listen to simon & garfunkel and agree that we will do this everyday for many days to come.
listen to kathy's song with a candle burning and you will see your entire future.

sum

2010-01-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Jeg tvinger meg til å drikke kaffe i Birkelunden. Mye folk her. Skulle gjerne ha latt være, men jeg vet jeg har godt av det i det lange løp (...). Femten minutter med dette, og så er det lov å gå hjem."

2009-10-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

i went into the woods because i wanted to live deliberately.
i wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.
to put to rout all that was not life, and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived.
- h. d. thoreau

2009-10-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

In my life
why do I smile
at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
but heaven knows I'm miserable now

the photographic society of singapore 1969

2009-09-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

singapore

korea

burma

rumania

strangers (2)

2009-09-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

so i've learned that i'm really talented at listening to really drunk people telling me stuff. it seems that everytime i'm at a party, i end up in a situation where i'm talking to a complete stranger about a problem in his or hers life. i've been thinking that it must have something to do with how i act at the party. that maybe it isn't such a good idea to go outside to have a cigarette all by yourself. cause then they've got you. you don't even hear them, before it's too late, out of the blue they're there, right in front of you, blabbering on about what their boyfriend just said to them on the phone, or how they feel that music isn't the same anymore. i'm not really good at leaving those kind of situations. i usually just go along with it, fire them up, ask them questions and pretend that i'm truly interested. like these strangers will remember any of the things i say to them when they wake up the next morning anyway. so i sort of wonder how they always seem to find me, no matter where i go. i guess it's some sort of radar or sense they develope when they've consumed a surtain amount of alcohol. they find people who will listen to their stories and their problems. i guess i just need to get better at hiding. it would be nice to enjoy a cigarette.

elephant man

2009-09-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

adolesence (2)

2009-09-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking that i feel sort of tired of people. not anyone in particular, but just beeing surrounded by people all the time. people i know, and also just strangers. i'm not saying that i'm not happy or that i don't love everyone i'm close to, and spend time with every day, because i do. it's just that i think it would be nice to be alone for a while. i've never really been alone. when i think about it, i've never been all alone for longer than maybe a day or two. i don't even know what it feels like. that's sort of scary in itself. i've lived for quite a long time. but i've never actually spent a whole day without interacting with another human beeing. i have been thinking about moving to another country when i finish school. to another continent, and study history or english litterature. to a place where i don't know anyone, where i don't know anything about the culture, and where people have a whole other way of beeing, living and interacting with each other. a place where i could travel through new scenaries and understand new things. i think that would be nice.

friday, july 31th

2009-08-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

lately i've had a lot of trouble sleeping. i sort of know why, but i don't feel like sharing it here, as it is sort of a personal matter. the reason i can't sleep is because i think about this personal matter almost all the time. escpecially when i'm not doing anything, when i'm alone. it sort of makes me want to just stop thinking at all, because it makes me really tired and sad. i get a really unconfortable feeling in my stomack, and it's hard to make it go away. even when i'm really having a good time with my friends, i always seem to keep it in the back of my mind. the fact that i can't do anything about this matter, makes it even worse. if there is anyone reading this, it must be hard to understand. i just hate it when bad things happen, things that you can't stop thinking about, that effect how you feel and how you act.

i have been thinking of you this summer.

2009-08-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

happiness

2009-07-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

i just spent a whole week at the jazzfestival in molde. i'm left with so many good memories and experiences, it feels almost too good to be true. i met so many nice, funny and interesting people, and had so much fun with both old and new friends the whole time i was there. one night, during the process of drinking alcohol and after having witnessed an incredible concert with many of my best friends, i had a really interesting conversation with one of the guys that i met and hung out with and became good friends with during the week. we started talking about living in the now. i remember talking about how great the concert that we'd just been to was, and that we both felt really happy. still, we both agreed that it's very hard to live in the now. in the sence that, you only think about what you're doing right there and then, and you don't worry or think about what you are going to be doing next. i told him that i feel that often, even when i am having a really good time, and i am doing something that i see as a very positive and giving thing, i seem to be thinking about what i am going to do next, or what my friends might be up to somewhere else. he agreed with me, he felt the same way. this relieved me. still, we both agreed that we were having a fantastic time, and that we felt that we were truly happy. and that living in the now is something that is positive. it's just really hard when you think about doing it. that's why i think we came to the conclution that you are truly happy when you don't think about the fact that you are happy or that you want to become happy. you just are. and i was. we were.

revolution blues

2009-06-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

i find it weird that it's possible for one single individual to create so many beautiful words and melodies. the person i'm talking about is neil young. for the last two years or so, i have really discovered his music and found that i simply love the way he sings, the words he writes and the way he plays guitar. right now my favourite album is on the beach, from 1974. i think i will always listen to his music. i hope that it will live on for many generations to come, and not be sucked into the variaty of popular music that is beeing made today. it would be sad if my children or my grandchildren found no interest in listening to his songs. their lives would be emptier.

Well all those headlights, they just bore me now
I'm deep inside myself but I'll get out somehow
and I'll stand before you
and I'll bring a smile to your eyes

nighttime

2009-05-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my window sill.
it's dark outside, the time is 02.00 a.m.
i've smoked two cigarettes within this sitting.
there are no stars, they are covered by the fog.
everyone else is sleeping, it's just me and the voice of david crosby.

cities

2009-05-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

i've always thought that after finishing school here in my home town, i would move to a big city. i don't really know why this is, but i guess it's sort of a subconcious reaction to living in a small town your whole life. but as i think about it, i'm not really shure if i want to live in that kind of environment. i get that living in a city can be really great socially and lead to great new experiences and so on. but i just don't think i am the kind of person who would feel comfortable with such a lifestyle. i like beeing alone every now and then. i like taking walks and i like sitting in big fields smoking a cigarette and i like to go fishing at the dock and i like to go out skating late at night. i like silence. it's not like i'm a loner, i'm a quite social person, it's just that i like having the ability and the freedom to choose how to spend my day.i think i would enjoy living in a city for a while. if i went to school there and studied, that would probably be rewarding too. but i don't think i would be happy in the long run. it seems like everyone in every city i've been to is always busy. they are always on their way somewhere, or talking loudly on the phone with someone and so on. i don't think i would stand living in the middle of all that every day. in a place where houses are built up towards the sky instead of spread out to new areas, just so as many human beeings as possible can be put inside of the same geographic area. i don't see the point. the point in moving into a crowded, loud, busy place filled with people who never have time for anything, when you can choose not to? i would miss the ocean too much. the grass and the trees that are actually natural, and not planted by employees from the government. i would miss seeing mountains. i would miss the liberty of being able to take a walk alone in the middle of the night without having to worry about my own safety. that would be absurd to me, i think. being scared when walking home at night. i guess that not all cities are like this. i've been to many highly populated areas where i've seen a lot of beautiful things, met a lot of great people, cities that i have wanted to experience more of. i guess that where ever i choose to go it will be okay.

draumen

2009-05-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

adolesence

2009-05-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

lately i've been thinking about where i live. my house, the farm, the nature surrounding it. my parents inharated the property from my grandfather about ten years ago. we moved here when i was about four years old, so i basically grew up here. it's quite isolated and placed high above sea level. i used to be quite unhappy about living here. i would nag my mom about the fact that we live so far away from all my friends. not to mention sivilisation in general. i remember using hours when walking home from school, not neceserally because it takes hours, but because i would gradually loose my motivation while trying to focus on getting to the top of the next of many hills to come. but for the last couple of years, i've really started to enjoy living here. the fact that the forrest is in my backyard sooths me. there's nobody else around here, but me and my family. when we were little, me and my brothers used to run around doing all sorts of stuff. we would stay out for hours, in our treehouse, by the river and out on the gigantic fields that surrounds our house. when i go out to the poarch, the only thing i hear is the distant sound of the river that runs beside my house. i can see everything from here. the fjord, the mountains, the sky. i like living here. i kind of love it actually. tonight, for instance, i got home really late and desided to put on a leonard cohen record. i went out on my poarch and smoked a cigarette while the moon was up, and the lights around town started to go out, one by one. i heard the record playing through the window, and as i sat there i started thinking about it again. my house, the farm, the nature surrounding it. it turns out it's a big part of my life.

thursday, march 26th

2009-04-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting on a bus heading for oslo, on my way to visit my brother. so far, it's not going very well. as i sat down in my seat i realized i had forgot to bring my ipod. this meaning, that the rest of the almost twelwe hour long drive was going to be very boring and long. i convinced myself that it was a positive thing. you don't have to be entertained all the time, silence is good, i told myself. i had my notebook with me, so i started thinking of what i would draw during the night, to make the time go by, and that i could study the landscapes we drove through, while looking forward to arriving in oslo, while the sun was rising. the bus started driving, and right as i had managed to convince myself to some degree that the bus-drive wasn't going to be that bad after all, the guy in the seat across from me started snoring very loudly. so i desided to write this, out of anger, and a need to focuse on something else then the insane volume of the sound that is coming out of this guys mouth. so now i'm sitting here, listening to some sort of latino pop music on the radio, with my headset. still i can hear the sound of his snoring. i can feel that everyone around me is thinking about it too. there's so many weird people here. they all look so different, but in a way they all seem the same. i don't want to judge them, but i do. by the expressions on their faces, the look in their eyes, the clothes that they are wearing. i spend a lot of time looking out the window. while we're driving through small townes and large landscapes of nothing but trees and mountains. everyone is sleeping in their houses, and i've desided to eat the slices of bread that i brought from home. i ate all four of them.

explosions in the sky

2009-04-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

monday, january 26th

2009-04-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

today when i was walking home, i suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. without even realizing that my lips where moving, i suddenly snapped out of it. i looked up and a shadow was coming towards me. a creature of some sort. as it came closer i could see it was a woman. she kind of had a limp, and her head reminded me of a potato or a vegetable of some sort. i could not see her face clearly in the dark, she kind of scared me. i think she was about fifty years old or something, and she wasn't really what you call a good looking lady. in spite of this i amediatly looked at her and thought of all the things that she must've experienced through out her life. she kind of looked like she had seen it all, but a lot of bad things. it kind of made me sad. walking right by her, not asking her about her life, her memories, her family. i let her go right by me, and she provably did not even notice me, or that i was even there. still here i am writing about her, without her even knowing. i hope she gets to see this sometime, or that she has a person in her life to tell it to her.

le crépuscule

2009-04-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

rebellion

2009-04-05T09:25:00.001-07:00

so lately i've started skating again. i don't own a board myself, so i've been borrowing a few different ones from some friends. really, i got into it last summer, and had quite large ambissions about becomming confident on the board. in the beginning, i truly sucked. i could hardly stand on the board when it wasn't moving. but after a while i got better. at least i thought i did. one day on our way to school, i was going to show my friend that i could stand on the board down an entire hill. i took his board, and got on it. at first i was doing fine, happliy unawear of what was going to happen. as i was going faster, the board started shaking, and i got scared. so i jumped off, this resulting in getting my head smashed in. my lip grew three times it's normal size, and my right eye was blue for about a month. i found this very scary, and it went through my mind for many months after. i desided never to skate ever again, and i was shure that i wasn't going to either. but lately i've been doing it, quite often. i think it has something to do with spring coming back, the dry roads, and the snow leaving the grass. and this time its different too. i've been practissing a lot. sometimes i've gone out in the middle of the night, just so no one would see me and how badly i suck. but now, i can actually ride down quite steap hills, without really beeing scared or loosing control. it's really a great feeling, cruising down, while listening to neil young or pink floyd. especially in the middle of the night. when noone is around, and you don't have to be scared that this pro skater kid is going to notice you, and make fun of you. and seeing as i live in such a small town, there are hardly any cars on the roads at night, so i can really skate at quite high speed(at least i think so), in the middle of the freeway without having to worry. i don't really know where i'm going with these words, but i guess i just needed to explain to myself(and whoever is reading this, if anyone) what a great feeling it is to skate down a hill when noone is around, with only the city lights to show you the way, while neil young is telling you how to feel.

strangers

2009-03-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

so i was at this party. earlier in the day, i didn't really know how it was going to turn out, seeing as i knew only a few people who were going to be there. also, i had felt kind of weird all day. i started drinking my beers and it tasted even more bitter than usual. when stranger after stranger started showing up, i became more and more quiet. i don't really know why. i sat there on the couch sipping my beers, smoking some cigarettes. but it just didn't feel right. i didn't want to be there. guys started sitting down next to me, introducing themselves, obviously wanting to talk about a random subject, only for the sake of talking. i must've seemed like such a weirdo, when i just sat there, without even trying to lead the conversation on. if i had known any of the guys, it probably would've felt very akward. but now it didn't. i felt completely indifferent, and was quite happy about it, too. i knew i'd probably never see any of the people that were there ever again, so what was the point of me even trying to talk to them, when i didn't feel like it? girls screaming and laughing, fixing their hair while drinking their little coctails. guys trying to look cool, and drinking as fast as they could. i sat there, smoked some cigarettes, and just looked at them while realizing how meaningless it all was. i could have said something. turned off the crappy music and told them that they should go home. find a more real way to interact with each other. but i didn't. instead i gave away my beer to some stranger, and went to bed. i fell asleep that night to the sound of all these people singing bad versions of hits from the 90's. i guess it was the fact that i didn't know anybody there that made me realize everything that was wrong with it. judge the things they were doing and critizize the words they were saying. i didn't want to be there, i couldn't support it. so i left.

childhood

2009-03-25T02:22:00.000-07:00

spring

2009-03-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

i bought three green apples today.
outside the sun was up as i was on my way home.
happily awere of the cigarettes in my backpack i walked on the sidewalk with a smile. i had forgot how good green apples really were.

monday, march 16th

2009-03-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

i am lonely but you can free me,
all in the way that you smile.

neil young told me that today.

idealism

2009-03-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

thursday, january 29th

2009-03-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

i've been feeding my mom's friend's cat for about three days. her friend is out of town, so he is paying me to do this. today, while i was walking on the little path that leads to his house, i was listening to neil young. i was wearing my grandpa's knitted sweater, my uncle's red scarf and my big brother's black leather backpack. the snow had left the ground, my shoes were dry. the grass straws cracked as i walked over them, and you could actually feel what they call a soothing breeze in the air. the weather was to good to be in the end of january. when i got to the house i had to stop. i got a really great feeling, just looking at it. i've been there many times before, but this time it was different, there was nobody there but me. the house has plants growing on the wall, all the way to the top windows on the third floor. a big, blue wooden door, with concrete stairs leading up to it. you can see that the white paint is starting to peel off the walls. the garden so sealed from the rest of the neighboorhood, with naked apple trees that had been covered with snow all winter. i went inside, where the cat was waiting for me. i filled up his plate of food, and his waterbowl too. i walked into the livingroom, filled with almost nothing but books, and old records. the cat followed me with his eyes, while i looked around, took out some of the albums and put them back again.
i went outside, and locked the door. i walked through the garden, and sat down on the top of this hill that was there. i lit a cigarette. this is the house i want to live in, i thought. when i grow old. with a grey cat, old records and a winecellar, i could sleep, read, listen and grow old there. maybe even try writing something.
then i thought of you. and how i'd like to take you there, and show you the garden, the trees and the cat. and i thought of how you would probably like it too, and that you would agree. and that we would sit down on the top of the hill, in the garden, and share a cigarette, while talking about the records we would play, the wine we would drink, the things we would do.

youth

2009-03-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

writings of noice

2009-02-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

lately i feel like there's noice everywhere i go. like a loud, constant humming, or just a lot of people, or loud music. it seems like there's always someone who wants to tell me something, or there's a bad song on the speakers whenever i'm in a public place, etc. a lot of the times i just want to go home and be quiet. avoid having to make sound with my own voice, and avoid having to listen to others do it too. at home, i can choose what i want to hear, and what i want to ignore. i don't like talking about everything. or, at least i don't really see the point of doing it. i don't like talking about the news or whatever, just so there won't be a silent moment. even if it's an emberassing moment, i think it's exhausting and meaningless to bring up a random subject just so it won't be quiet. you have to leave certain things to silence. it gives you time to think, it makes the words you say much more meaningful. i'm not trying to say that i'm a quiet person, i actually talk a lot of the time. it's just that lately it seems like a lot of the people i meet, or talk to, are very scared of what will happen if we don't come up with something to talk about. i just think that just because your with someone, it doesn't mean you have to communicate with them all the time. not with words, anyway. what i'm scared of though, or at least what i'm thinking about, is that when someone is talking to me about something, and i really don't have anything to respond, and eventually don't, it's not because i don't like the person i'm talking to, or that i'm ignoring him or her. it's just that i don't feel like saying something that i know i'm only saying so that there won't be an emberassing moment. i guess if that's the case, it has already become akward. we just don't know it yet.

memory

2009-02-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

a lot of the time when i'm walking or when i'm just waiting for someone, i'll see something and i get all these ideas in my head. for example, it will start snowing, or the clouds will float away from the moon just as i am watching. a lot of the time it's words, sometimes drawings too. it really bugs me, because when i get home, i can't seem to remember what i was thinking. and even if i do remember, i can't really seem to get it on paper the way i want to. it just sounds stupid, although in my mind it seems okay. sometimes i think that i should get a recorder, and carry it with me everywhere, and then when i think of something, i'll just say it. but then again, why should i do that. like i'm ever going to sit down and listen to the sound of my own voice. that would just be stupid too. i guess i'll just have to try enjoying the things that happen when they happen. maybe it's a good thing that i'm not able to put it into exact words. the moon is always going to be beautiful to me, so i guess it doesn't really matter if i write it down. i guess i just feel the need to express it, or store it somewhere, it would be terrible to forget.

writings

2009-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

tommorow i'll wake up with a vocabulary and knowledge of the things that appeal to you, the things that you like, the things that you want me to talk to you about, the things i want to talk to you about as well. still i can never know it by heart. i will always need some kind of script to cheat with, it seems like i can never be what you want me to be. still, i had a dream about you last night, you walked in to the party i was at. i sat there drinking my wine quietly. when i saw you, you did not see me, so i pretended i did not see you either. but i did. and then i woke up, in my friends room, lying on a matress on the floor. warm by the dream of you, cold because i knew it would never come true.